Destiny
I was told that you were going to be there, so I did not go. I did not want to see you. Not then, not today. I have been trying to avoid your sight and your presence not because I cannot stand you but because it hurts me. I feel pain right here when I see you, when I hear your voice, when I read those things you write everywhere to make sure everybody knows you are around and think and feel and have desires and interests. I guess I could be more mature. I could be reasonable and then I could try to understand that our whatever did not work and it was not my fault nor yours but destiny’s. We can always blame destiny for our misery. It is easy. I would even say that destiny, as a concept, was created just for that. Not intentionally, of course. We humans are subtle when it comes to develop mental tools that help us cope with this shit. We make them look natural, primitive, primal, instinctive, so we can adopt them with no guilt, as if they were inside us from our monkey beginnings, by design. And so, yes, everything that happened between us had a purpose that is beyond our comprehension, we are just pieces in the machine, and so on. Maybe someday I will realize that indeed all this happened for a reason, and I will even appreciate the fact that you left me (claiming “life” and “lightness”!) and had the kindness of disappearing for a few months even though you were then the only thing that mattered to me. Maybe one day I will thank you for my well deserved suffering, for what I learned and the wisdom and the strength that came with it, but not today. Please be nice and let me hate you today.
